


Always have and always will

by imnotpoeticanymore



Category: Shameless (US)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-07-28 14:47:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7645165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotpoeticanymore/pseuds/imnotpoeticanymore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Sorry I hate editing so I don't. I know, I'm the worst.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Always have and always will

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry I hate editing so I don't. I know, I'm the worst.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that this all had to be this way. I’m sorry that the meds never work, and I’m sorry that I am always the family disappointment due to it. I know no one thinks that I see the worried hands, red eyes from crying and the piling up hospital bills. I wish I could say that this wasn’t all my fault, that I am about to do this purely because of my genes, the ones I share with my mom, but that would be a lie…a blatant lie and everyone would know it. So I’m sorry that I have to do this but it is the only way. It’s the only way to fix everything I have fucked up. 

I wish that I wasn’t so much of a coward to be giving this note to the one person who can’t read. I’m sorry that I hope it gets lost somewhere between his slobbery mouth and sticky jelly hands so the no one ever has to know how truly fucked up I am. I love you all, and I am just weak. 

But, if someone does find this note, remind everyone of who I was before the illness. Forget the hate and sadness it wrought, and just think of the joy I brought when I was good. normal. 

and, I love you Mickey. Always have and always will.

————

“Mickey,” This was the sixth call to his cell in the last 24 hours. This one happened to be Fiona but each Gallagher had called at least once in the passing time. He somehow knew what they were calling about, but couldn’t ever get his hand to hit the ‘answer’ button. He just hovered over it, as if touching it would detonate the bomb that was strapped to his heart waiting for the words “he is missing” to finally explode. 

Finally on the seventh ring he found it within himself to hit the button.

“Yeah?”

“Mickey, it’s Lip. Have you seen Ian? Its been a while, and ya know he can’t be left alone since last time and I know he was supposed to come over here for the day while you figured some work stuff out but Fiona got tied up and couldn’t walk him over and it’s just…it’s been a while and we can’t find him and we were hoping you had and please just tell me he is with you please.” Lip spoke all in one breath and even though Mickey wasn’t quite listening he still understood. He stood stalk still, holding the phone to his ear.

“Mickey? Hello? Are you breathing?” Lip sounded even more scared.

“yea,” Mickey managed to get out, though it was quiet and half-hearted.

“Yeah you have seen him or just yeah you are on the line?” Lip almost sounded hopeful.

“Lip, I haven’t…” Mickey started to say, though he wasn’t sure how to finish the sentence. 

“Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck…FIONA HE HASN’T” Lip seemed to scream into the phone, he must have forgotten to pull the speaker from his ear while crying for Fiona. There was a slew of more curse words coming from more mouths through the phone but since nothing productive was being said Mickey just hung up. He dropped the phone, and it bounced on the couch with a light thud before landing on the ground with a distinct cracking sound. Mickey didn’t even seem to hear it and he walked to his bed room in a daze. His eyes searched the room, as if looking for a new ghost. When his eyes weren’t met with anything out of the ordinary it seemed to snap him out of his haze. He headed to the closet and threw on the first pieces of clothing he found and started to run out of the front door, barely remembering to grab his keys on the way out. He ran all the way to the Gallagher’s house in a sprint, bypassing all the weird looks and shouts of “where’s the fire, kid?”. Once at his destination he flew through the door and into the kitchen where the family was discussing where Ian could be in a panicked manner. 

“So we have checked the Alibi, under the L, in the L, at Shelia’s, Mickey hasn’t seen him so no Milkovitchs, Boystown maybe?” Debbie stated sounding the most calm out of the four of them who could form sentences. Liam wobbled all over the kitchen while chewing on something, though no one payed attention to him at this moment. 

“He hasn’t been to Boystown in months,” Mickey began and it was only then the Gallaghers even noticed he was there. Fiona pulled him into a half hug and then continued to talk over all the others. 

“Well where else then?” Lip asked.

“There is an old building Ian once found me in. It is a strong memory for us both, maybe he is there.” Mickey helped.

“Everyone in the car now, let’s go let’s go let’s go!” Fiona shouted as she started throwing jackets to all the kids though none of them actually put them on. She grabbed her keys as everyone was sprinting to Kev’s car, just as Veronica and Kev came pouring out of their own home.

“How the hell do you have a key to my car, Fiona?” Kev yelled as he watched her turn it in the ignition. 

“Ian is missing” was all she said and Veronica was hopping in the cab. 

“Well let’s go get him.” Kev said as he hopped in the bed of the truck with the rest of the family.

————

“Stupid fucking childproof fucking seal!” Ian screamed as he threw the bottle of pills at the blank and crumbling pillar across from him. He looked around for a moment suddenly out of energy and wanting to lay down, though the ground was covered in rat shit and dirt. He had only just rested his head against the cool concrete floor when he noticed the window across the room had been shattered and the glass left strewn around. He lifted his lanky figure off the ground and walked to the other side of the room. He stared at the glass for a moment before picking up a large shard and gripping it tightly. Only when his palm begun to sting did he soften his grasp. Blood dripped down his hand to his elbow and onto the ground with a light pitter patter. He liked the sound. Ian then took the glass in his other hand and squeezed. Blood begun dripping down the other arm as well, and he gave a weak smile to the blood. He took the glass lightly between his thumb and forefinger as he dragged it vertically up from his wrist to inner elbow. He then switched hands and dragged the shard up along the other one. His arms were now sufficiently covered in blood and his white shirt was getting quite a bit on it as well. For some reason that made him upset so he took off the shirt, folded it and set it aside. Then suddenly the world was spinning and he fell to his ass against the wall and into the glass. If some shards stabbed his ass he didn’t noticed from the fiery pain in his forearms.

“God, fuck, ow” He repeated to himself. He looked down at his now bare chest and started a clean streak from right collar bone to opposite hip bone, the mimicked the cut on the other side. He drew one right down his sternum to his belly button and laughed a light sigh as his chest now reminded him of a snowflake.

Ian was tired again from all the energy the cutting and walking took so he once against rested his head to the ground and ran a hand through all the shards, getting them stuck in his palm. He didn’t react, only closed his eyes. Ian thought he heard a light thrumming coming from stories below him but he decided that it was just his heartbeat in his ears, telling him that it was giving up. No matter how much pumping it did, it could never keep up with how much was spilling out. 

————

Fiona was the first to reach the top level of the 6 story building. She stopped dead in the doorway, and a hand flew to her mouth when she discovered what she had so badly not wanted to see. The pounding of six bodies running into each other was the only thing that pushed her from the doorway. Once inside the room she crumpled against the wall, tears welling up in her eyes.

Mickey was next to see, though he flew straight to his boyfriend, unaware of the shards of glass breaking beneath his boots, and his knees as he fell to the ground cradling his soulmates head in his lap, and stroking the ginger hair from his eyes.

Next came Lip through the door, holding Liam in his arms. The two year old was still holding on to the now dry piece of folded paper though it was still going unnoticed by the rest of the family. Lip nearly dropped Liam when he saw the scene, though still had enough wits about him to pass the child to the weeping Fiona. He rushed over to Ian, and ripped his shirt to make a dressing for the cuts as he tried to keep them from spilling the slowing blood flow. His tears mixed with the blood on Ian’s arm, and his bandages were useless. 

Carl and Debbie stood in the doorway, mouths agape and eyes pouring out tears as they just stood unsure of what else to do. Debbie began a short but slow walk to Ian while Carl stayed put. Debbie stopped as the toe of her white sneaker touched the pool of blood that just kept expanding. It would be years till she could look at those shoes again without throwing up.

“Is he..” Carl started to ask but didn’t seem to want the real answer.

Mickey tears slipped silently down his cheeks as he tried to wake Ian up, the truth refusing to sink in.

“Come on baby, please please don’t leave me. I'll make banana pancakes every morning I promise just please wake up I can’t do this alone I can’t live without you please please please you make everything better,” Mickey begged over and over again before his sadness and grief turned to anger.

“You selfish prick I can’t believe you left me here to deal with your family all alone. How the fuck are we going to afford to bury you? I can’t believe you would do this to me, you selfish selfish mother fucking dickrag.”

Everyone stayed quiet while Mickey went back and forth from sadness to anger then back to sadness. He only stopped when Fiona came and hugged him from behind, and he buried his face in her arms sobbing big fat tears all over her.

It was over an hour before his sobbing grew slower and more quiet though it never quit. None of their crying quit. Lip took out his cell phone and dialed 911, telling them about Ian. Once he gave the confirmation that the ambulance was on it’s way Mickey stood. He wiped his eyes on the back of his hands fiercely and pretended that he wasn’t still crying. He started to walk away when Lip called after him, though that only stopped his sullen stride for a moment. He soon made it to the doorway and was out of sight. The rest of the Gallaghers sat with the body till the ambulance came to take Ian away, all holding hands and some part of Ian, whether it was foot, head or hand. They sat there for some time even after EMT’s took away the body, and the police had asked their questions. None of them were up for conversation about it so the reports were pretty bleak in details beside pictures of the scene. In fact none of the Gallaghers, Kev and V included, talked for the rest of the week, and barely uttered more than a word in conversation for the whole month. 

It wasn’t until five months later when they found the note Ian had written crumpled up in the corner of Liam’s bed. He hadn’t let go of it that whole time. The pen had blurred on it from his slobber and hand sweat but the last line was still legible enough. When Fiona found it, she cried for hours before showing Lip. He had it for a couple more hours before he shared it with Debbie and Carl. Once Fiona dried up she went to Veronica to tell her what she found and they cried together for an hour. 

A week later the note showed up in Mickey’s mailbox. He hadn’t spoken to any of the Gallagher’s since the event. He hadn’t talked to anyone actually, only allowing Mandy in his room once a day to deliver a meal he barely ate. His walls were riddled with holes from his fist and his pillowcases were almost always damp with his tears. He would wake up from a nightmare every night hoping to role over and find Ian beside him sleeping with the peaceful face he always had when he was right where he wanted to be. Mickey was always met with more tears and a tearing feeling at his heart. One night when he woke up screaming and flailing for Ian his hand landed on the letter Mandy had gotten and left for him to find. He sat up to read it, soaking in every letter he could, rereading the last line over and over again, as if looking at it enough would make Ian appear just so he could say it aloud one more time.

I love you Mickey. Always have and always will.  
I love you Mickey. Always have and always will.  
I love you Mickey. Always have and always will.


End file.
